Adventures in Sleeping

Pretty much since I peed on a stick last November, sleeping has ceased to be an activity that is enjoyable for me. Once upon a time I was an awesome sleeper. In fact, while some children, who will remain nameless, were forcing their eyes to stay open for as long as they possibly could, I was asking to be put to bed. What an odd child I was. In high school getting up before 10:00am was painful. No really, it hurt.

This champion sleeping continued well into my twenties and only within the last few years have I considered "sleeping in" to be anything past 9:00am. So you can imagine how sad I was when my talent was somehow stolen from me by something the size of a blueberry. Seriously, I eat blueberries for breakfast (not really, I actually don't like them very much) and here was one taking over my body?? What the heck!?

That darling little blueberry continued to grow and grow, making its presence all the more known in my life, both waking and sleeping. I went from 0-1 trips to the bathroom a night to 4-7. My body billow became grossly insufficient and was replaced by a Snoogle - a massive C-shaped pillow that now dominates our king size bed. And to top it all off, somehow as I slept less and less, my wonderful husband, who has a history of insomnia, suddenly started sleeping more. Hmmm, weird, no?

Last night was unfortunately all too similar to the previous sleepless nights. Every night I climb into my "nest" which consists of the Snoogle, a full length body pillow, a king size pillow and a regular pillow (don't ask me where they all go, it's far too complicated). Once situated, I pull up the five layers of covers and at this point I hopefully begin to drift off to sleep. This initial process is usually interrupted by the need to blow my nose or to get up to pee. Fortunately last night I was pretty tired so I fell asleep relatively quickly. Yay!

Sadly it was not meant to last.

1:00am - desperate need to pee, strongly suspect pee monster is gnawing on my bladder, try without success to ignore it.

1:15am - realize that resistance is futile, begin process of getting out of bed

1. roll over to left side if not already there - this in itself can be quite difficult considering the massive lump of a baby on my abdomen.
2. wait for irritable uterus to become less irritated (walking with a full bladder + contractions = not fun)
   
3. disentangle self from pillow nest
4. peel back any covers that have not been tossed onto husband during bought of night sweats
5. swing legs over the side of the bed
6. push upper body up with arms - using ab muscles is a thing of the past
7. stumble to bathroom as baby bounces on full bladder

Last night something unusual happened. Somehow the process got held up at step 5. I successfully completed steps 1-5 at approximately 1:20am.

1:40 - wake up to intense bladder pain, a 2lb baby pressing on the Vena Cava and legs dangling over side of bed

My thought process went something like this: Huh? What? What's going on? How did I get here? Didn't I get up to go pee? Did I come back and fall asleep this way? Ow, my bladder hurts. Ow! My back hurts too. *whimper whimper* Why am I on my back? Holy crap! I never got out of bed! I still need to pee! UGH!!!!!!

You would think that after that I would have at least slept well. Nope. Not so. With two more trips to the bathroom (see steps 1-7), the clicking/rattling noise from the heater vent, and general pregnancy pain, sleep was just not meant to be. Once the husband left for work I officially gave up and have now returned to my throne (the couch) for the day. To lift my spirits I will leave you with a favorite youtube video of mine



Seriously! John Stamos in ripped jeans singing about his undying love for me... um, I mean for someone, and little chubby naked babies... I don't think it gets better than that! Plus that bed he's in looks super cozy, like I could sleep for twelve hours straight.

Some thoughts and a word of warning.

As I was lying in bed this morning, not sleeping, it occurred to me that I might be using a few words/phrases in this blog that could potentially make my more sensitive readers feel a tad squeamish. So I am now putting out a warning: If for any reason any of the following words make you feel uncomfortable you may want to reevaluate whether or not this blog is for you.

• pee
• cervix
• uterus
• cramps
• contractions
• anything to do with labor and delivery - these words/phrases can become quite graphic, for example "mucus plug," do not google this if you are eating or have just eaten
  

Is everyone ok so far? I know, very racy words, right? In case you are wondering how I might use some of these words, I have included a few contextual examples below.

• We have nicknamed our little one the "Pee Monster." How did such a sweet term of endearment arise? Is it because he is bound to be a little pee pot like the baby in this commercial:

Although we are aware our little monster will doubtlessly put on a few spectacular shows of his own, this is not actually the origin of his pet name. (Side note: check out this fabulously ridiculous product aptly named the Pee-pee Teepee). From early on in the pregnancy I found myself making several trip a day to the bathroom. Most pregnancy sites you look at suggest this feeling of urgency (another pee related word!) will subside some time after the first trimester.

Lies! The not so pleasant sensation of needing to pee every ten minutes has only been compounded by the fact that the little one is now strong enough to bounce on/kick/punch my bladder (oops another slightly taboo word, oh my!). Thus, we have dubbed our sweet little boy, the Pee Monster. I imagine he looks something like this:

• One more example before we part. As I previously stated, this morning I was lying in bed not sleeping. Anyone who knows me knows that I enjoy my sleep. So, why would I be awake at the ungodly hour of 6:30? Well, after one of my many trips to the bathroom, our little monster decided he would try to escape by punching his way through my cervix. Good times. (note: this word may also be used in the more medical sense, i.e., "I went to the doctor today and my cervix was [insert medical terminology for status of cervix]."
  

With that mental image, I leave you with one final thought. While I suspect that most people will be strong enough to withstand words like "pee" and "cervix" I figured it might warrant a small warning as I know there are people out there who turn green from the word "moist." It takes all kinds.